FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT DATING & FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT IN RELATIONSHIPS (5 SECRETS) ✋ Having fearful avoidant attachment borderline personality disorder can be tough and getting fearful avoidant attachment style help is super important to be able to have a happy and loving relationship. Fearful avoidant attachment disorder comes in many forms, and if you have any fearful avoidant attachment symptoms or signs or a fearful avoidant attachment childhood, then getting the right treatment and using these powerful secrets in this training will be very helpful. Enjoy! ?
Video Transcript
Would you like to learn more about how to navigate fearful-avoidant attachment in dating and fearful attachment in relationships? Hi! I'm Antia Boyd, founder, and creator of the “Magnetize Your Man” Method. If you are new to my blog, don't forget to subscribe so you can get notified for more juicy videos coming your way that will help you to attract the right man for you. So let's go ahead and dive right in.
1. Ground Yourself
Now, what do I mean by that? When you're fearful-avoidant, what you will often do is to leave your body. You're leaving the scene. If I were to knock on the door, and I'm like, “Hello, is somebody home?” It is most likely that there wouldn't be anybody there.
There's no present status, no awareness there. You're already gone. And that, of course, is coming from your past. It was safer for you to leave your body versus to feel the pain, the emotional pain, particularly. To not get the response from your parents that you really needed. So what we want to do here is ground you.
So what that means is that I'll give you different ways on how you can ground yourself. Meaning how you can make sure you stay in your body. One thing that I learned from my mentor years ago is to really learn to feel your feet. Now, I know this sounds funny, but if you think about it, you walk for the day; you go to work, you make dinner, and you drive.
How often do you feel your body? So, just fully make yourself a little note, even feel your feet. Do you feel your bum in your chair, or do you feel your back when you lean back? Do you feel your back actually touching the back of the chair? That really gives you an excellent grounding. And make sure you stay in your body. You stay congruent, aligned, and you continue to feel safe in your body.
2. Allow The Extreme
Now hold on, what do I mean by that? So what do we want to do? It's like a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and there's also the anxious part. Now, what often happens when we go in one extreme, let's say, we're going into the very extreme avoidant. Like super far out, I don't talk to anyone. I need massive amounts of space, I disassociate. After that, we actually have a judgment. We're actually feeling resistance toward this part, and we're saying, “but I feel so disconnected. I feel so disassociated. So let me swing back into the anxious part. That at least gives me the warmth, the connection to the other person.”
Now, of course, you swing too much into the anxious. You're going to start judging, and then you swing back into the avoidant, you keep going back and forth. You're swinging from one extreme to the other. However, you're never really allowing the extreme without judgment, without resistance It never happens, you swing automatically into the other extreme. However, if you stop resisting the extreme and you say, “can I actually be more avoidant? Can I be more anxious?” Almost like you're pushing yourself to the limit even further.
Interestingly enough, you end up being more in the golden middle. Now, why is that? Well, because there's no more resistance, and when there is no resistance, you don't have opposing momentum that swings you all the way into the other emotions. Think about it this way, you'll have this rebel part inside of you, if you don't like certain emotions, or you don't like the avoidance. And it's like, “oh, I'm going to go all the way to the anxious part.” Or if you don't like the anxious part, it's like, “oh, I'm just going to go all the way to the avoidant part. And so your job is to navigate the rebel inside of yourself that automatically always swings in the opposite direction. And instead, just allow whatever is there, to be there. And eventually, you end up in the middle.
3. Value Yourself
We have to think about it this way. Fearful avoidant attachment, whether it's in dating or in a relationship that is originating from a sense of not valuing yourself. From a sense of insecurity, a sense of inadequacy instability.
So what needs to happen here in order not to go the opposite direction, where you just leave your body, and you're disassociated. You actually value and appreciate yourself. You know what we say, “a house appreciates in value.” There's the value being added on to you. Now, you may say, “well, wait a minute, Antia. How in the world am I going to do that? How am I going to value myself?”
Now, I want you to take this example that Tony Robbins brought. So you said, “look at it this way, you have like a table that you draw. And so the tabletop is your statement. So let's say your statement is, “I'm valuable,” and then the legs of the table are the real beliefs or the reasons why you're valuable.
So maybe you say, “I'm valuable because I was bought. I'm valuable because I'm a service to other people, and so on.” So you start adding on so many reasons why you are valuable. You're actually making a case for yourself. So you ought to do that. Try that out. Let me know how that goes.
4. Define Boundaries
It's really important that when you have a fearful-avoidant attachment, boundaries are extremely important. And not only defining the boundaries, but also communicating the boundaries. When I meet a fearful-avoidant attachment person, we just had one over the other day, what happens is that I naturally already see, okay, so how much space do you need? How long would you like to stay? How much alone time do you need?
There's this real boundary-setting. Why? Because then that system actually starts to feel safe. So in defining boundaries mentally, you know, what I want to talk about? Defining boundaries physically, and emotionally by just really being like, hold on a second.
I feel a little drained here right now. So if you have a lot on your plate or if you're like emotionally overwhelmed, don't call me, I'm going to have to set a boundary here because I'm potentially very emotionally sensitive. And I want to make sure I'm always coming from a full, loving, congruent place. It's going to start to feel a little bit uncomfortable for me when I feel like my energy and my emotions are being drained.
Also, don't forget to set an energetic boundary, which was the example that it just brought with this woman. I was just kind of feeling her energy. And I said, “you know you want your light and space, and I feel like you're not really getting that space.” And she's like, “yeah, you're totally right.” And I didn't know that about her. I've never met this person before. So that's about the energetic boundaries.
You can really set the energetic boundaries by doing a couple of things. You can either visualize the different mirrors around you and the mirrors they're pointing to the outside; they're reflecting the other person, what they wanted to project onto you. So you say, “no, thank you. I'm not a sponge.” And you're basically screening off, like reflecting back to them who they are. And you're not taking it on. That's like one tool you can use to create an energetic boundary.
5. Space = Safety
And lastly, what do I mean by that? I just brought you the example of this woman who just really has an avoidant attachment as well as anxious inside of her, and I like giving her space. My husband has a little bit of avoidance inside of himself, so do I. So it's really important.
For example, during our wedding, we said, “with this ring, I set you free. I'm taking the space; I'm taking a stand for that part inside of you that wants to be free, that needs to have space, that needs to have a finely defined boundary.” We've just discussed in secret number four, you know, it's just really important. And that makes the other person feel safe.
So when you have a fearful-avoidant attachment, and you receive space, you start to feel safe. And then interestingly enough, that safety helps you to open up what the other person desires of you. But ironically, it's a little counter-intuitive. You need to have space first to come closer.
Conclusion
All right, this is it for today, ladies. The question of the day is, which of those secrets helped you the most? Are you ready to implement into your life to either help yourself if you or your partner with fearful, avoidant-attachment? So let me know in the comments section.
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