Antia: Hi, everyone! Welcome to another amazing inspirational story that actually tells you why patience and working on your limiting beliefs is paying off. So today we have a very dear client of mine who's now with her man, Doris.
So, I'm really excited to have you, Doris and to share with us how you got on this path of this amazing success in your dating after years of things not working right and you being frustrated. And so tell us a little bit about… What were some of the biggest challenges and frustrations before you came to me when it came to dating and interacting with men?
Doris: I think it started with the fact that my father is very narcissistic. He actually was diagnosed with being a narcissist. And I think that that probably started my limiting belief that I wasn't worthy to meet a guy. I would often wonder. I would never want to marry somebody like my dad, so in my head I think I was already wary of that. I used to be super shy. And then as the years went on, I just couldn't meet anybody. I don't know. I wasn't myself or I had… I would self-sabotage before it even started. I think I had these walls that were so big that a sledgehammer probably couldn't even take it down. I think men were probably very interested but I never noticed that they were interested because I was just so into myself. And then as the years went on, I mean, I've traveled tons, I got more social and then I think it still wasn't happening. And now I'm older and now you're meeting… I would get ghosted so many times or I wouldn't even get people to call me back and I just couldn't figure out what was going on.
Antia: Totally. Oh my God, so I can totally relate to that. And why was that so frustrating to you, Doris? And how does that make you feel?
Doris: I think it was frustrating because I work with a lot of men. I was in the medical field and I worked with men. I worked with firefighters, police, and I had such a good relationship with them. I could tease with them with them and flirt with them, but as soon as it was somebody that I was interested in, it seemed I almost clamped up. And then I think I showed… I think I wasn't showing who I really was to many people. I think that I was a chameleon. I would change wherever I was. But the true Doris was always still very firm. So I think when people first met me, hey probably thought, ‘Oh, she's a bit stuffy or aloof.' what I mean? I think that I was misinterpreted, but I don't think I really realized how I was showing myself.
Antia: Yes totally. Because we have all those unconscious ways of how we come off and we have no idea, the appearance. So, now tell us Doris, what is your romantic life now?
Doris: Oh, it was such a surprise. I had an age range and this fella was outside of my age range. So to tell you the truth, I probably would never have met him if he wouldn't have sought me out. He's a bit older and so I at first thought, ‘Oh, what the heck? ‘At this point in time, I have nothing to lose.' I think what really interested me, in his profile, he said he volunteered and I go ‘Well, anyone who would volunteer ‘for Meals on Wheels or any thing, ‘I think they have to have a kind soul.' That was one of the things that attracted me. And then I found out he has done a lot of work on himself, so we spoke the same language. He knows what an avoidant is and he even knows Brené Brown. I was quite impressed that… I know lots of men read Brené Brown but that was impressive that he did that.
Antia: Yeah, and I love the story. What I love about is that it's not perfect. Nobody's perfect. But you have now the right language and the right communication tools and skills, and both of you actually have awareness. So there's this perspective and this responsibility and ownership that you can take on when you get triggered. That's the difference here.
Doris: Yes, we talk all the time. Like right from the beginning, I'm quite fit and he is not, and so he was very worried about that.
I'm very active. I've traveled tons. So he was worried about that. And so his avoidant self, he already told me he would have had his running shoes on already. But he said there was something about me that he felt that connection, that it was worth it. He goes, “Well maybe she'll bring out “more of the adventurous side of me. “So I shouldn't worry too much about it.” because you don't have to exercise together. I can do my own thing. I have been doing it. So, I think that was interesting. He's very much a communicator. And so he's the one that said when he first met me, he said, “I thought you were a bit starchy.”
Antia: Yeah, I love that. He goes, “But I think he put your persona on” because I was a supervisor so you have this persona and then, I don't know what it is about him but then all of a sudden, I remember you saying “Let the girl out” or “You have to be…” and I always wanted to have more fun and be more playful. That was one of my goals actually, is to be more fun and not to be so serious. I'm quite a serious person. I think I can get misinterpreted, but for some reason he is seeing the real Doris.
Antia: Aw, that's so awesome, which actually leads me to the next question. What were some of the specific tools and things that really helped you to get the results that you learned in my program in the time working with me?
Doris: I think the biggest one was the fact that you would understand what it was to be raised by a narcissist because your mother was. So I think when you shared that with me and how you have to… I'm a people pleaser, and so of course I'm very much attracting narcissists. The last fella I dated was narcissist to the umpth degree. He showed his true colors near the end. I think I was meant to meet him though because I already knew what I was doing. I could already tell the signs of “Okay, this is not going to go well,” that I almost felt I had to go through the experience but it's not 'til you gave me some tools about how you have to be firm and say, if somebody criticized, “Oh, thank you. “Yep, that's me,” and take ownership of it and not give them the power. I think that was one of the main, big things that I learned. I think that was huge because I would always attract narcissistic people or people that were very emotionally unavailable.
Antia: Yeah, and then you also mentioned, and that's a huge step because especially for the women out there who can relate to that, who have a narcissistic parent, have a narcissistic background, this is such a huge transformation. And I also remember you mentioning to me… Couldn't you tell us a little bit more what the impact was of you working with the six feminine archetypes?
Doris: Yes, I mean I don't remember them all right now but I think the biggest one was to be more playful. He treats me a queen really, he does. I have flowers here that he gave me, the second batch that he's given me.
Doris: It was quite funny because one of the first things I said to him is that through the surgery, I use the warrior as my motto. I think everybody knows I'm a strong person so that was it. But I said to him, “I don't want to be a warrior anymore.”
Doris: And I think that that was all he needed to hear because then all of a sudden he became… And it's so comforting. I never wanted to give up my power of being in control all the time but as soon as I said that, I had tears and everything and I was shocked that I actually told him that. But that was a huge changing point for me too is that I can be soft and feminine and still be strong and still be the warrior. So that made me think of the archetypes that you had, being the playful, being in your power but also giving up a of that. That was huge I think. So all of the women out there that were me, you have to be in control all the time, I think you are the one that actually said that, that you have to be more playful and not always be in control.
Antia: Oh, 100%. It's about the balance or the harmony, for those of you who don't believe in balance, creating really harmony within yourself versus creating this disharmony.
Antia: And what are some other things that you learned particular in the home study course in some of the modules and in the group coaching calls that really were speaking to you and really maybe even surprised you but actually ended up helping you gain a new perspective on things?
Doris: I think just looking at the different types of the men too, I think that was important to see is that I think we put men into a box all the time and not realize that they have… You have to play to their different sides as well. I think that was it. I remember I did all of the home study ones and I even have made notes and stuff. It's been a while since I've done it, but I think it was more I gained… There's many parts of a person. You have to be open. And I think that's one thing that the women have to really realize. You have to really be open and you have to learn to change some of the things and it's not overnight. It's a constant thing. I started meditating and I read a lot. The one book that I read was Untamed and that really spoke to me is how, especially from a German culture, you're put into a cage and I really have lived an untamed life but I never felt that I was worthy until I met a man. And isn't it ironic that as soon as I realized that I lived an awesome, amazing, untamed life, I meet a man?
Antia: Isn't that amazing? what I mean? And that's also the archetypes. It's really this wild woman unleashing the different parts inside of yourself and then also helping him to reconnect to his archetypes, because a man also has those six masculine archetypes that you were alluding to. So, what were some of the biggest concerns or hesitations that you had, or maybe you didn't have any, working with me or what did you have to overcome?
Doris: I think at first it was more that “Oh, you can do it. You don't need help.” I think I was also at the point where I was just I had worked a lot on myself, as I told you before. And I think that I was just kinda going okay, really was happy with who I was. And I know that seems kind of… When I came to you, I was just at that point where I really liked who I was. That narcissist thing was really always bothering me a little bit. And I go, “How are you ever going to get over that?” And I think when I talked to you, that's when I realized. I used you as an example. Look at what you all have to do. I think it's taking the first step. And it's not an overnight thing, that's for sure. There's no magic pill that you can take. You really have to do and read. I think the home study is important. Then you have to be real with yourself. You have to be honest.
Antia: Yeah, totally.
And you don't know what you don't know. A fish doesn't know that it's wet. So if we're not open to expanding our consciousness and our awareness and perspective, then yeah. How are you going to change? Doris, any final advice that you have for women who are on the fence working with me? Do you have any encouraging words for them of wisdom?
Doris: I would say that I think that watching your articles, watching your YouTube things, I think that's really important. Everybody is different. I think I learned a lot from just listening. I didn't really participate a lot in the courses. I was listening more to see what other people had to say and I think that's just more my type that I would sit and listen more. I think the biggest thing is to be really open, to be real with yourself. And some of the things that you're going to hear, you might not but they'll resonate with you later. Write notes and really pay attention because I think that, it eventually comes in a full circle. But you might hear something at first and going, “Oh man, I feel that's not going to work. “What the heck is that?” But it really does make a difference. I think that that's the hardest part. For instance, even looking at the archetypes, you don't even look at that as yourself. I think we sometimes get so set in who we are that we're not open to any change at all.
Antia: Yeah, so true. “Wait a minute. “I don't just have the queen and the warrioress? “I also have the wild woman? Oh, wait a minute. I also have the priest?” So it's interesting to… All those archetypes that have been dormant for so long. And then we wonder why we're attracting men who also have all their dormant pieces inside of themselves and are emotionally not connected.
Doris: I have to say that it makes such a difference. I never really thought that it would. So I think that sometimes… My belief is when I'm led to doing something, when I came to you, then that's a reason. Something is telling me that I should do it so I have always been the type that will then investigate and look at more information. If somebody's cruising the internet, some lady's out there cruising the internet and they come up to you, there's probably a reason why they're doing that. And at least give it a shot. That would probably be what I'd say.
Antia: Yeah. It's the sign. It's this resonance. Like why this voice? Why this person? I totally believe in that too. There's some pull that some part of you knows and the other part doesn't, so just trusting that and going with that. And that's what I appreciate about your Doris, following that, despite you being German and having this logical mind. It's a flexible structure. Well, thank you so much for sharing your super inspirational story and your love with your partner here. And for ladies, if you want to be next, you want to be my next success story, then I invite you to take my Magnetize Your Man quiz by clicking the button below where you get actually individualized strategy, say that three times fast, personalized just for you. So again, for that, either click the button right below or go to magnetizeyourman.com. Doris, thank you so much for being here. I'm sure so many women can relate, especially the ones that have a narcissistic background, that have emotionally unavailable parents and partners in their past. And you just really blew some more light into them. You breathed some more life. I'm just having it all wrong with my words today. You breathed some life into them. As a paramedic, that's kinda funny. Okay, awesome, awesome. Well, thank you so much for being here and for the ladies, I will talk to you next time. Take care. Bye bye.
Doris: Bye bye.