OVERCOMING CONTEMPT IN A RELATIONSHIP & HEALING CONTEMPT IN RELATIONSHIPS (5 SECRETS!) ? Contempt in relationships can be one of the top signs that a relationship is heading to an end and if you’ve experienced contempt in a relationship or contempt in relationships that you may have with other romantic interests, friends or even family, then this training will really help you! Some say that familiarity breeds contempt in relationships, however there are SO many other ways that this is created and in this training, learn the 5 secret cures to eliminate it quickly. Enjoy! ?
Video Transcript
Hi, I'm Antia Boyd, founder, and creator of the Magnetize Your Man Method. Would you like to learn the five secrets to overcome contempt in relationships and also healing content in relationships? So, let’s go ahead and dive right in. Now, contempt can look like many different ways. It can look like disrespect, mocking, sarcasm hostile humor. More like really attacking ways towards the other person. In general, it has a very negative like emotional environment almost I will say that it really causes and that it really nurtures and not in a good way in a relationship. So I'll help you to have five secrets to break right through that.
1. Embrace Your Shadow Side
So let's go ahead secret number one Embrace Your Shadow Side. So what we so often do is if we're suppressing our shadow, we are then projecting that onto, guess what? The other person, that's right. And so what happens is you get angry at them, you're always in a bad mood and you're always annoyed, right and in general, there's always sort of negative, destructive, hostile energy inside of yourself because you don't like that part inside of yourself. You don't like to feel helpless and you don't like to feel mean or you don't like to feel whatever the shadow is inside of yourself that you have. Like sometimes it can be like this resistance to being in control or it can be actually wanting to be in control, so the resistance to being out of control. It can also be a destructive shadow. Embracing that inside of yourself and actually expressing it fully versus kind of trickling it out in poisonous drops here and there that of course, long-term will kill the relationship.
So shadows in and of itself are everything that we judge inside of ourselves. So sometimes, we’re judging being selfish, being arrogant, being, you fill in the blank, which of course is somebody else's gift. Somebody else was really happy that he has those attributes or she has those attributes inside of herself, but if you judge that side of yourself and feel like, “I would never be selfish like that.” then you start to build contempt towards anyone who actually expresses what you judge inside of yourself. It's really interesting psychology. Stay with me because you can change that which perfectly leads me to secret number two, which is to Forgive Yourself.
2. Forgive Yourself
Look we are so hard on ourselves. We expect ourselves to be perfect. We have unrealistic expectations not only about ourselves but also about the other person. We expect them to remember all of our favorite holidays and what our favorite color is and what our favorite love language is and whatever it is. As soon as they make this one mistake, they get like that sarcastic hit and why is that? Well, because we also expect that about ourselves. So of course we're beating ourselves up 10 times harder, which then of course is a standing invitation to forgive yourself, right? It has many beautiful practices. Hop’oponopono is one of them.
It's a Hawaiian forgiveness prayer. So one thing that you can do you can also simply say I forgive myself for judging myself for, fill in the blank, you know for being selfish, from being arrogant, for being mindless, for being stupid, for being whatever the case may be for you but forgive yourself because then it's going to be much easier to actually soften your heart. And so you can be much more compassionate with the other person and then remove the sort of harsh layer from your heart.
3. Change Your State
Secret number three, Change Your State, girlfriend. So sometimes you can just wake up in the morning and you are just naturally in this pessimistic negative like ‘nothing can happen for me’ kind of state and what I would say is if you notice that this is actually a pattern for you and you are constantly in this one negative and pessimistic state, then just really do something different to change your state. To clap your hands, to jump up and down you, do some qi gong, to listen to some music you normally don't. Listen to happy music so lto bring a different color into your environment. Like maybe you have a couple of art pieces that make you happy that remind you of your childhood that if you had a childhood that you want to remember. If not, finding a memory that you want to remember. Maybe you had a favorite vacation with your girlfriend that you really enjoyed or maybe you had an incredible encounter with a particular person and it just left his imprint on your soul and see how you can bring that into your environment.
So you can actually start to feel different states inside of yourself, like happy, joyful, ecstatic, curious, surprise. Like different energies, and not just like, “Well, yeah, it's all the same and whatever.” Don't be too happy. That's not gonna last long and just constantly walking around with the sarcasm which of course, also originates from that lack of emotional availability inside of yourself. right? Like if you say I’m not really that connected to my emotions, I'm not really that vulnerable. Like I'm making sure that not everyone is going to take advantage of me which of course oftentimes comes from abuse in childhood, physical abuse, or emotional abuse as well. So change your state.
4. Express Your Emotions Fully
Secret number four is to Express Your Emotions Fully. So what happens often we have a pleasure ceiling or we have a pain ceiling. So sometimes we grew up in those environments where it was just not safe to express all of our emotions congruently and consistently because maybe for beginners our parents never did that right? Maybe they greeted our joy with sarcasm
and with mocking and “Really, Really? You got happy again, really?” and there was a constant destructive and hostile environment in your home. So you learn to actually dim your light to express your emotions to just a certain level and then live left it at that. But the invitation here is actually to express it and break through the ceiling. So maybe you were just expressing your emotions at a level 5 for a level 3 and I invite you to just really express it at a level 10.
Be super happy or be super angry. Move that flow it and just like really tap into that deep, sad space and feel that grief that your body holds and just allow yourself to really go there and move that emotion, acknowledge that emotion fully, by the way, without going into stories of the past and also without any pictures. We don't want to continue to just feed a story around the emotion.
We simply want to acknowledge the emotion itself because once the emotion moves completely through. It actually transforms into a new emotion and that need for being hostile, for showing contempt for any destructive behaviors towards another person and mocking them and being mean will actually dissipate because we will actually arrive at our emotional still point as well.
5. Watch Your Shame Shield
Lastly, secret number 5 Watch Your Shame Shield. Now in the secret one, we talked about shadows. So what happens is when we express those shadows, there are three different ways and this comes directly from Brene Brown which we, of course, all know the power of vulnerability. The shame researcher and there are three ways in which we deal then with that shadow. Because we have then shame comes up when that shadow is being expressed. For example, if you are afraid to be arrogant, then somebody says, “Joe, you are so arrogant.” Then now what happens next is a shame comes up inside of your body. You start to feel warm and uncomfortable and like you just want to disappear at the bottom of the earth. You are experiencing shame. Now you have a choice, what do you do with that shame?
So you have three choices. So either you can go all in and you can say, “Oh, yes Mary you're so right. I shouldn't be that arrogant.” And you can go totally into justification mode which by the way is such a magnet for a narcissist. So if that's how you deal with shame oftentimes, that's definitely an invitation for a narcissist to come in and guilt trip you as well and gaslight you. So this is shame shield number one shape. Shame Sheild number two is ignoring it. “Oh, no, I didn't, you know, nothing happened. Nothing happened. You know what I mean. I was just kidding, right?” So this is also the typical backtracking. Imagine you said something important and then it was met with the demeanor and just disapproval. Then you're like, “Oh I’m just kidding. You know what I mean. I didn't mean it that way. Of course, I didn't.” So again backing off and denying it like it didn't even happen.
The third one and this applies in contempt is the attack. And so that's the third shame shield. But actually when you understand that it's also about your shame. So it's nothing to do with the other person but it's about your learning and how to actually navigate your shame. So how that would look like is like, okay, you feeling some shame and you're being with it. You're not denying it. You're not attacking it. You're also not like a lot digging into it and justifying it. You simply being with it. That means you're not doing anything with it. And when somebody says something yes, you, of course, acknowledge that but you're not leaning into it. You're not justifying it so very different. So what's your shame shields here?
Because of the shame shield, they lead actually to that contempt, which is really interesting. If you have just fear of feeling powerless or shameful. Then a minute we feel that we make somebody else feel shameful or powerless. A lot of people get off when other people feel bad about themselves because then that way, basically the person who expresses the contempt doesn't have to feel that shame inside of themselves.
Conclusion
So those are the five secrets on how to really navigate contempt and overcome that and heal that and now we'd love to hear from you. The question of the day is, which of those secrets helped you the most and when did you experience contempt in your relationships? If you want to learn more about how to attract that right man for you that helps you to feel cherished, supported and taken care of and you can be completely honest and authentic with, I invite you to take my Magnetize Your Man quiz at magnetizeyourman.com.
