Video Transcript
In this article, you will discover the seven clues on whether you should keep trying with him or not.
Hi, I'm Antia Boyd, founder and creator of the Magnetize Your Man method and make sure you stay to the very end of this article, as we have a very special gift for you that will help you out with this.
So, should I stay or should I go? Here are the seven clues.
7. Are Your Future Goals & Values Truly Aligned?
Clue number seven is, are your future goals and values truly aligned? Now, I know you've heard this before, but let me say it again. Values are so important. You must both be looking in the same direction. For instance, you must have a very similar mindset around what it means to have a family. Do you want a family? Do you want kids? Does he want kids? The same is true around values, and often things like religion, and so on. Anything that has to do with true deep core values that are never changing. Are they aligned? If you’re more modern, and he's more traditional, or vice versa, that may not work out, right? So just making sure that all your values are aligned with each other.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve talked to Brody, and I just said, “Wow, I'm so happy we can talk about all of this,” because we have similar values. We have similar ways of how we want to raise kids. We have similar values on money management, although that's one thing I think it’s okay to be different as long as there’s a balance. One person's the money monk, so money may be a little bit of an exception as long as it's not too extreme. Too extreme could be a deal-breaker. So ask yourself, are your values truly aligned?
6. Do His Actions Match His Words?
Clue number six is do his actions match his words? Is what he thinks, what he says, and what he does in alignment? Does he have integrity? Because it's really important for you to be able to trust him. If he doesn't have integrity, and you can't trust him, how in the world are you going to build a foundation in which you can weather life together? I mean, life is not always easy. There's a complexity to it, and if you don't even have that natural foundation of trust because whenever he says something, you're wondering, “Is he going to keep his word? Is he going to say something? Is he going to act on it? Is he not going to act?” and it leaves you in this fog of self-doubt and questioning yourself.
That’s not a good foundation to continue the relationship. What it will lead to in the long term, and I will be honest with you, is you will develop more coping and protection mechanisms because you're protecting yourself from him. Secretly inside of yourself, you know that you can't trust him, and this can either look like you're starting to withdraw and to close up your heart or that you become way more reactive and defensive because you don't trust him to be in the driver's seat.
5. Are You Attracted On All Levels Or Just Anxious?
Clue number five is are you attracted to him on all levels, or is it just your anxious attachment style? Now here's what I find happens a lot. When we meet a man and he speaks to our anxious attachment style, he's often more on the avoidant attachment style scale, he's playing out that role; of the dad that never followed through, or where you never got the approval from your dad, and so now you're trying to get that approval from your partner. But it's the very same dynamic where you have given all your power away, so you choose this relationship based on anxiety.
Now, here's the problem, when you do that, you also generalize as a coping mechanism. You say, “Oh yeah, everything else is not so bad.” or “Yeah, we're not completely aligned here, and he's not the most intellectually-stimulating person on the planet, but we have this sexual chemistry.” or “We don't have this emotional intimacy because he's much more avoidant; he's not leaning in, or he's not staying when we get into an argument.” So ask yourself, are you attracted to him on all levels?
This means are you attracted to him on a mental level? Is he intellectually stimulating to you? Are you attracted to him on a physical level? Sexual chemistry is very important. Are you attracted to him on an energetic level? What that means is not loving who he is, but what he is. Do you like his energy? Does that make sense? Because sometimes we love someone, but we don't like them. And lastly, are you connected emotionally? Is there emotional intimacy? Is there vulnerability? From both sides. Do you feel emotionally safe with this man? If that's not the case, then definitely leave the relationship, because as I’ve said before if you don't feel emotionally safe, you will develop coping and protection mechanisms, and you will continue to play them out, and you will go into the same cycles of lack of fulfillment and disappointment over and over again. You end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy and that’s a hard loop to break. My recommendation, get out!
That leads me to clue number four which is, does he share his emotions with you. Is he a hermit? He never shares anything with you. You don't know where you stand with him. You never know how he's emotionally feeling about you, or how he is emotionally feeling about the situation. Does he withdraw, checkout or disconnect when he feels vulnerable? Or, is he leaning in and saying, “This is uncomfortable for me, but I want to stay,” or, “I want to show up, I want to engage,” Is he leaning in or is he leaning out?
Does he engage with you emotionally? Because this is also really important for that younger part inside of yourself called the little girl, because she needs to know that she is safe emotionally, like I said in clue number five.
3. Does He Spend Time & Make You A Real Priority?
Clue number three does he make time for you, and does he make you a priority? So this is important because, for some of you, you're maybe dating somebody who's a workaholic who's married to his business, or maybe spends half of the day in the gym. He hangs out with his friends and his buddies all the time, and there's no room for you. Or, he's so connected with his nuclear family, with his parents, or siblings, or whatever the case may be, and there's just no room for you. Also, sometimes you need to be really honest with yourself and ask yourself, are you a real priority for him? If you're dating a man who has a child, can he make you a priority in the way that you need it? I see this a lot, a lot of women that come to me where they’re dealing with this situation, “This guy's amazing. He's there for me, but I don't feel a priority,” He has a child, and you don't get the attention.
Now, this depends on your attachment style. That depends on how much you already resource yourself, but that's also something to ask yourself when it comes to priorities, but seeing does everything else always take priority over you? Does his ex-wife have more priority than your needs or is basically anybody else more important because what's important to him is how he comes off to other people, how he appears to other people? He wants to appease the other people, but he doesn't care that he doesn't appease you, that he doesn't make you happy. So this is really important, does he make you feel important? Are you a priority? Does he treat you like a queen? Does he go out of his way? If that's not the case, again, my recommendation is to leave the relationship.
2. Is He A Man You Respect & Admire?
Clue number two is is he a man you respect and admire? Now, I see this a lot. That women are falling for and loving a man but they don’t respect him, they don’t admire him. There's also not that much chemistry. Often that’s the case when a man is not connected to his wild man or his king. There is something that's not unapologetic about him. Sometimes he’s the type to bend over backwards, or you can walk all over him, and there's this lack of respect towards him. So really asking yourself, do you respect and admire this man? Because if you don’t, do him a favor and leave.
There's nothing more emasculating than to date a man that you don't respect, and he can feel that you don't respect him because what ends up happening long-term is that you are going to start to be condescending and resentful. You may start making emasculating comments or belittling him. You're making joking side comments and things that. You may not even notice that, but it comes from that lack of respect that you have for him, because you know he's not standing up for himself.
For you to respect him, you need to know that he's going to hold his own in the relationship. That you can only “seduce him” so far. I'll give you an example here when I met my husband in Hawaii, I thought, “Yes, he's an entrepreneur, and he works a nine to five, so whatever, but I'll just swing by whenever I swing by, and I'll just interrupt it. I'm just going to distract him, and it'll be great,” but the minute where I gained massive respect for him was when he put me in my place, and said, “No, I told you I work from nine to five.” Again, this goes back to the integrity piece. So was I upset about this? Yeah, I was super annoyed at that. I was like, “I'm here right now. Make me a priority,” but I started to respect the heck out of this man. I think from this moment forward, I knew that this could be a man long-term that I can respect because he will not budge. So ask yourself, do you respect this man? Do you admire him?
1. Does He Meet Your Authentic Standards?
And lastly, clue number one, does he meet your authentic standards? Now, here's the thing, and this can be tricky sometimes because standards can change, but you may have standards. You may want to have somebody who's energetically sophisticated. You may want somebody who's working on himself constantly, or who's committed to spiritual growth. That was certainly the case for me, and there was no way around this. My standard was you have to be committed to spiritual growth, you have to be returned to your spiritual core, there has to be this desire to connect to something higher than yourself. So that would be a standard. What I often see, and I just had experience with this with a woman going through my program, that she was very, very spiritual, very advanced, and her husband was not meeting those standards anymore. They were just completely on different pages.
So really asking yourself, what are your standards? Identify your standards, and be clear about them because nobody can meet your standards if they don't even know what they are. Then the second part is, actually, does he meet your standards, or do you feel like you need to constantly compromise? To constantly step down. I'm being stifled in my growth. If that's the case, it may be time to go.
Conclusion
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