Should women pursue men? In this guide, we share 5 reasons why women should never pursue a man and provide male psychology insights.
1. It Destroys Long-Term Polarity & Attraction
Polarity is the difference between masculine and feminine energy, and that is biologically the only thing that sustains long-term attraction between people. It happens because of the differentiation in roles, in energy, that creates the chemistry that says, “Hey, let's reproduce.” That chemistry is what is created on the unconscious level when you create that feminine-masculine polarity with your man. So, if you are the one taking the masculine role and you're taking charge it becomes impossible for him to take on that role. That’s why it is so important not to destroy that long-term polarity and attraction by taking it away from him.
Now, this reminds me of a story of one of our clients when we just started working together. There was a man she was interested in, she'd been talking to him back and forth and he had visited her in California, so she said she decided to plan a trip to go to Chicago where he was living to visit him. This was already putting her into more of a chasing, masculine role. So, the problem was when she got to Chicago she had taken that initiative and was going for the relationship; but after hanging out together a couple of times he wasn't attracted to her. He lost that attraction, he lost the spark when she came, and he wouldn't even kiss her when she was visiting. There was no physical attraction, no physical intimacy. They were connected as friends, they talked, but that passion, that spark had gone away because she had taken on that masculine role.
So don't fly across the country to chase your man, don't drive to him, don't overly invest to make things happen, and especially don't set up the date, and try to initiate and set up a meeting because that'll put you into that masculine role.
2. How A Relationship Starts Is Generally How It Will Continue
If the relationship starts with you taking on the masculine role – you initiated, you made everything happen – don't expect that that's going to magically change at some point. That all of a sudden once you're married, or all of a sudden once you're engaged, or once you're exclusive, or at any point in the future all he's going to start taking on that role, and he's going to start putting in the effort because it's generally not going to happen. It’s common knowledge that people rarely change but relational dynamics rarely change as well. So think of it as in the beginning stages of meeting a man or being romantic with a man you're laying that foundation for how your relationship is going to look long-term.
People, like the women we have worked with in the past, often get into the illusion that someday he's going to change. Once I just love him enough, once I do enough for him, once we're committed, once we have a kid together, now he's going to shift, and now he's going to start treating me with more respect, now he's going to start coming into the relationship. Generally, that does not happen so do not expect it to. Make sure in the beginning moments you are taking on that feminine role, you are owning your femininity so that he can take the masculine role, he can start investing, and if he's not doing it then it's not the right relationship for you because it's generally not going to change. You have to have that mindset so you avoid getting hurt.
This reminds me of a story about my first relationship with a girl I fell in love with in college. Our relationship started very dramatically, she came to my apartment at one in the morning in tears because she was depressed, and her ex-boyfriend was still texting her, and there were just a lot of emotional issues and drama. Of course, that's how their relationship started, and that's exactly how the relationship ended as well. No fault of hers but she had issues to work out and so did I, but the relationship dynamic was pretty much set at the beginning – it was a dramatic relationship – this was a relationship where I needed to be the supporter, I needed to care for her, and of course that didn't change throughout our relationship. There were small improvements but for the most part that's exactly how the whole relationship was for two and a half years. So don't expect it to change because it probably will not.
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3. It Trains Him To Be Passive & Not Invest
If you're chasing him, if you're pursuing a relationship, you're training him to be passive. He’s going to say, “why would I change? It's coming to me. You're doing everything for me. You're initiating, you're texting all the time, you're calling all the time, you're making the decisions. Why should I bother? I'm getting a free ride here.” There's that old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” So it's the same principle here if you're so busy giving away the milk for free, in terms of you being the one investing and doing everything in the relationship, then why would he feel he needs to invest anymore? Why would he need to do anything?
It reminds me of this story where I dated a woman when I was in Hawaii, this was after my first breakup. After I experienced deep depression, I worked on myself, hired my own dating coach and I ended up moving to Hawaii from Corvallis, Oregon, and I started just dating, meeting new women. I remember meeting this one woman I dated for a while in Waikiki, actually, it was the last woman I dated before I met my wife Antia. This woman when we first met told me her relationship history, where she was what you might call a Cougar. I think she called herself that, I don't quite remember. She was a bit older, and she liked to date younger guys and I was pretty young at the time. There was maybe a 15 year age difference between us, maybe more, and she told me the last guy she dated, she bought him a Jeep, and of course, that didn't end up lasting.
We had a similar dynamic, me and her because she liked to be masculine, she was a very successful doctor, and she would take me out to eat, buy champagne, take me on car rides which I loved, tours of the island, and at that point in my life, I was actually experimenting with just, yeah, sure, let's see what I can receive. I was exploring that place, I was working on myself, I was not quite fully in my strong masculine. It was an interesting relationship, but actually, she ended up losing attraction for me, as she should because she was doing all the work, I wasn't doing much of the work. So again she was training me to not invest. Out of no fault of her own, that's just the dynamic we had. So you want to avoid that, and you want to be able to create that passion, and chemistry by not creating that with the guys that you were dating, that dynamic was the problem.
4. It Gives You The Illusion Of Security & Control
When you are chasing a man and you're being in your masculine it can feel good. It can feel like things are happening, we're texting together, we're hanging out together, we're still dating, he's not dating anyone else right now, he's with me, we're together. So it can give you this illusion of security and control, this illusion that you have control over the relationship. That all you have to do if you feel he's pulling away you just have to reach out to him, you just have to text him. If he hasn't gotten back to you in a while you just have to text him, and now you can get that shot of dopamine from him responding to you. But it's an illusion because you think the dynamic is healthy when it's not. You think that it's going to go well but it's perhaps on the way out, the relationship is dying because of the reasons we mentioned before. You're losing polarity, you're creating a dynamic that's not sustainable, that you don't actually enjoy, and that he may be not enjoying also, maybe he wants to be the masculine one, he wants to take charge but you're not giving him the space, we'll talk about that in a bit.
So watch for those illusions, and don't get caught in that trap of thinking just because things are happening, and you initiated it that that is fine. We're in the modern-day age, women can take charge, women can do what they want, women can make it happen. There's this illusion of power, and strength, and control, but he's the one in control because he's the one that gets to respond, he's the one that gets to say yes or no, and he's not having to do any of the work. Unfortunately, our society has trapped us in this dynamic with training women to be more in their masculine, and that's a good thing, and training men to be more in their feminine, and that's a good thing, and now we get into the 50% plus divorce rates and all the other problems we're having with singles.
In the single world, it is a disaster, and the hookup culture is a big contributor and the reason why we're in the state we are in modern romance. This reminds me of a story of a woman who contacted us, and she told us how she just had this relationship where she thought she found the guy and she wanted to get things going. She was older and she wanted to have kids so she wanted to speed things up with him, and go deep, really fast. In fact, she recommended they start seeing counsellors early on and getting support because they were having some issues but trying to make sure they were going to make it happen. Even meeting his parents right away, she was pushing for that and bringing him to visit her parents. The problem was she was taking charge, she was forcing it. She was pushing it too fast and of course, ended up bursting out of the relationship in flames, and both of them became very dramatic. Both of them felt they weren't getting their needs met, and it just became a disaster.
Again because she was trying to take charge, she was trying to force things too quickly rather than letting him take the initiative, so that’s not a good thing to do. Now, if you've struggled with this, trying to take charge, trying to get a man to come to you, and it's just not working I highly recommend getting our Trigger His Desire program, which you can get by going to TriggerHisDesire.com or clicking the button below. Discover how to trigger his desire to make a man beg and plead to be with you. It's brand new, we're super excited about it. Get all the sexy techniques and principles that will trigger a man's brain to feel that lust and desire for you to want to chase. Very advanced techniques.
5. It Trains YOU To Be Masculine
When you're taking charge, when you're trying to be in control, and chase a man, you're training yourself to think that's who you are, that's how you get to be. It starts to affect your identity, you start to see yourself as the “take-charge woman,” the “masculine woman,” I create my reality, I do what I want. Through your behavior you’re locking in that way of being that you're now going to have with men, with people. People in your family, with your children, whatever, you start to train yourself to be that rather than the opposite which is how can you train yourself to receive, how can you train yourself to allow a man to take charge, to allow a man to lead gracefully for your pleasure. How can you attract your knight in shining armor, your hero that wants to protect you, wants to provide for you, wants to save the day, and make you happy? ‘Cause men want to make you happy, they just need to feel valued and like they are appreciated, that they are an asset to you, but they can't do that if you're the one that's been trained to take that role.
So this reminds me also of a client before she came to us. She was struggling with being trained in her masculinity. She was in the corporate culture, she was an achiever, very successful, the problem was that she had brought that into her romantic life and she was even taking training and courses that were teaching her to pursue guys. She had listened to things saying it's okay these days for you, the woman, to pay for the dinner. Of course, that ruins attraction, the chemistry is just gone, but that's what she was getting trained in and so she had this masculine energy with guys. Just one relationship after the other would fizzle out and she was feeling frustrated and anxious. She asked, “Why is this happening?” She was also feeling the pressure since she was getting older, of wanting to have kids, and so she came to us – me and Antia – she hired us as coaches and started shifting that around. Started learning what it meant to be the queen, what it meant to be in her feminine pleasure and she started attracting guys who are taking that initiative, and ultimately, she attracted her husband. They ended up getting married, and they now have a beautiful baby.
So that is the power of shifting it around. Even if you have been trained in the past that can all be reversed, it's not your fault. Society is often teaching men and women to be this way, especially women, and it's creating a lot of damage, but you can reverse it with the right coaching, the right education, the right training, and the commitment. You can create what you're always meant to have, which is a happy, harmonious, long-lasting relationship with a man who cherishes you, who values you, who treats you like you're just diamonds to him, and who feels lucky because he gets to be your man. That's the power of that.
I’d love to hear from you today, comment below what has been your experience with pursuing a man, or not pursuing a man, or having a man pursuing you? Have you had any struggles with that? What has it been like when a man is pursuing you? What does that feel like to you? What has that dynamic been for you? Would love to hear that in the comments below.
BONUS: It Gives Him No Space To Pursue YOU!
When you are chasing a man it gives him no space to pursue you. Again, think of masculine-feminine dynamics as a dance. In any dance, you could only have one lead, and one follow at any time. Now if you're leading he can't lead by definition so he has to follow. If you want him to lead then you have to follow, you have to give him that role. A lot of this is a practice of saying, no, I don't want that, I don't want to be that way and I'm going to become who I need to become until a man takes that role.
That still means putting yourself out there, you can still go out, be social, meet guys, you can be on online dating sites, and you can even reach out to guys if you're just reaching out from a social place but not from a more romantic interest place. If you're just a social butterfly that's fine but there's a difference between being a social butterfly, and hitting on a man. That's when you enter your masculine, that's when you're trying to get something from him. Allowing space where a man can take those actions with you, and be the chaser, now you can give him that role, and he will take that role. That's the new standard you're setting for yourself, that's all you will accept, and you'll become the most feminine, most glorious, most beautiful queenly woman you can be when you create that because that's what you want, that's the kinda life you want. You want a life where men are catering to you, quality men, they're coming to you, they're worshiping you, and wanting to be your hero and provider.
This reminds me of when I first met Antia, we had been dating for about three months, and then she had to move to San Francisco. That presented a challenge, do I let this relationship go, and she's just going to go to San Francisco? Or do I follow her? I decided to take that initiative, and follow her to San Francisco. Yeah, I was going there for other reasons, and I had business goals also that I wanted to accomplish there, but wanting to continue our relationship was a bit part of it. So I moved from Hawaii to San Francisco, and we continued dating, and I got to chase her in that sense. I proposed to her several months after that, so it was very powerful. I could only do that if she was giving me the space to chase her, not if she was constantly chasing me and saying where are you going? Or I'm going to stay here, texting me all the time, I couldn't have been able to do that.
Should Women Pursue Men Conclusion
If you like this article and you think you're going to apply the principles mentioned, subscribe for all the articles we have coming up, and share with your single girlfriends! Also, I highly recommend reading my article on the five feminine traits that men find irresistible. This will help you to start drawing men to you because again these are learnable skills, and that's why it's so important to have a coach and get advanced training to master this.